wow, how messed up am i right now. ive done some pretty stupid stuff that really affected some one and now they'll never let it down. how can i be so mean and not even know it. how big of a bitch have i become. i thought i was nice enough, but i guess not. i'm about to give up. i'm mentally not up to the challenge i should be or that i told people i would be. i'm not finding comfort in anything i do, and everytime i open my big mouth it seems to get me into more trouble. maybe i'm just so fake everyone can see it but me.

little update

things have been nuts right now. i have so much to sort through. school is going ok, but I feel like i'm falling behind already and that i have NO time to myself. i go to class, work, sleep, or work all day, class at night then sleep. its gotta change. now i found out i work all weekend and my parents want to come up. well looks like that wont work out. it would be nice to send them home with some crap in this house i dont need around. with all the stress of school and work, i also have the stress of the boyfriend issue. oh i know its more stressfull for sure for him, but i'm feeling it too. i get pretty sad or discouraged when i cant talk to him or i dont have time. i dont want him to feel like i'm living my life with out him..i am kind of, but i so need him to be in it. if that just made sense to anyone else. i feel pretty shitty that i dont know what to say to him. i want to comfort him, tell him everything will work out, and he doesnt ever have to worry about me. i hate the fact that i'm something he stresses over, doesnt help when he tells me he would go seriously nuts if i dumped him. not like i'm ever going to. but still. but everytime i try to say something, it just comes out dumb, like just i love you, or'get over it' oh yeh, like thats going to help at all. truth is i'm nervous right along with him
what would i do if he didnt come home? i hate to think that, it never crosses my mind, but these last weeks it has. i know he will come home. i guess i have no doubt in it. i just hate the fact that he is down there sitting around for days when he could have been here doing that.
the stress is definately getting to me, i'm feeling pretty gross today, i just want to sleep and its only 6:30. i went to bed last night at 11..how sad. i've had the worst headache all day. cant shake it, but i dont want meds. they would probably help though.
do you ever feel just weird some days? like something huge is about to happen, but your just sitting around waiting for it. yeh its that today. i know that this week i will have forgotten an assignment or something. and that huge thing, well ya we all know that one. he reminded me once again about how we wont be able to talk too much, which i totally understand, but i wonder how little it will actually be. like once a month? and if i miss that call is that it? things i ponder and i shouldnt. but anyway i do have some homework due tomorrow that i havent done yet...shit! goodnight to all.

yeh so i'm already slacking on the new years blog. things have been really going my way lately, and a horoscope didnt even have to tell me that. i have two new jobs. one is personal training at a place called anytime fitness- plus doing some phone ad random stuff around the gym. the other is the campus rec, they really dont need me there, but i'll train in for summer hours. i think herbergers will be in my past. i've already gotten behind in school work and we are a week in, i just really hate reading, thats all. i've done like the paper work, well most of it. i've done some pretty sweet shopping lately, like i have the money, but i need nice clothes, especially for going to see my one and only down in the dirty south. i'm super excited about that, its all i talk about. so sad. but anyway, my new computer is super nice, but havent made any payments on it yet...oopsy. yehi really have to pay my bills before i get any late fees. and that means bad credit. ishy. i really dont have much to say for all thats been going on. i'm pretty bummed its been almost a week since i've talked to luke, makes me sad, his phone got super wet and now doesnt work, so i wrote him a cheesy letter....hehe,
i suppose i should say that the picture above is from a hotel night luke and i shared before he left me again.

new year and some ole stuff

So the holiday break is over and time for another semester of school to begin. And of course with the new semester comes new questions about schooling. going to school i was originally a nursing major, but now im the es and pehs student. im thinking about going back into nursing. how stupid huh? its just that my present major doesnt seem to have any jobs. and with nursing you can find a job in any town big or small. hmm. and of course i'm thinking about housing again, i just cant decide. living in the birch dorms on campus wouldnt be bad at all, but i still like the freedom i have with my own place. plus i think i have too much shit to try to squish into a dorm again. i could always downsize. but nah, i asked a girl what she is doing for the next year. ho hum. its good to be back at school, i have to work a full day tomorrow, unfortunatly in the boring part of the store, but being at home all day i wont make any money..which i need because my new computer comes tomorrow...oh yes a new decked out computer that will cost me for quite a while..but should last. tonight there are lots of things going on, but i think i'm just goign to watch a movie with my roomie...quality bonding time. luke is back down south..break was awesome with him actually home. i get to see him again in 9 weeks in the dirty south. having a send off ceremony and he leaves the country on the 9th of april and wont be home until october for 2 weeks..oh grr. but i'm off...goodnight all who actually read this