Soul Searching....

Do you ever look deep into yourself and find out pretty cool things you realized, but never really realized? I didnt mean to do this, not like I actually sat down and tried to look at myself. It happened after an interesting phone call last night. Of course you should know who it was with. I just realized that I really need to start being aware of my surroundings. How many times do I get myself into potentionally dangerous situations...and not even look to see what I'm doing. I've been truely lucky so far to not have been harmed. Now granted I do trust the people I'm with, but you know...something could always happen. They always say that when girls get raped..its by someone they know..scary to think. Recently I havent been going out too much, I am pretty content with staying at home and just relaxing. I dont get a lot of things done, but it is nice to have me time. Pretty much everyday at 12 noon I get about an hour of just me in the house and I love it. I dont care if I seem like a loser and stay home on a Friday or Saturday night. I'm not much into drinking or partying. I dont think I have ever really gotten into the college life that most think you should. Sure i've partied, and of course have gotten drunk. But it isnt a necessity for me. I have beer in my fridge that has been there for almost 2 months and I havent had a drink for about 2-3 weeks. I finally had the opportunity to try out some pot. not like I had the intention of doing it when i went to visit my friends, it just all of a sudden came out and i've always been curious. But it just so happens I was the only girl and only one not high or drunk. Now like i've said, i trust those guys...but you never know when you either have one or the other or both mixed. And why did it take someone hundreds of miles away to help me look at the dumb things i do.
but anyway. another thing i found is yes again, how much i am loved and how much i'm IN love. i still cant fathom how much it is. how can anyone ever really put it into words or explain it. its impossible. just the most incredible feeling. i hope all of you can have that sometime. we even talked about living together when he returns..wow big step. I'm really nervous about all the big steps that are happening. but happy no doubt. am i truely ready for this big of committment...to be quote on quote..tied down? hmmm...more and more to think about. for some reason i always think he is coming back this spring..but no its the year after that...he wont even be gone for many months this spring. ugh, but i know every one is telling him that i will either cheat or breakup...now damn guys have a little faith. just because it has happened to some, doesnt mean all. ugh. and i know its affecting him. i can tell when i tell him whats going on back here. i cant imagine the stress he is in, and on top of that worrying about a relationship..ufda cheers to all those that are doing things i cant or have never done. i know he thinks the whole supporting the troops is bullshit because he doesnt see it...but i really do support all of them. not like i send money or anything. but if i know a guy is leaving i make sure to get his email so i can stay in touch, and i send luke lots of things. and i spend way too much money on him...but that doesnt matter..he spent WAY too much on me before he left. anyway... its midnight and maybe i should go to bed like my roommate. i only have like an hour of class tomorrow...and we are doing presentations and eating cake..last day of the class.. i dont even work tomorrow, so i have class...then vb game at 9:15...wow a whole day to myself..what shall i do..i think homework, nap, and tanning....maybe i'll even seal the windows in the house so its not so cold..it seems to be that i am the only one that can do it..but thats another complaint for another night... goodnight to all and god bless...and oh yes. rest in peace pat smith.. you will be missed but will be joining bradley!