Well with the other blog I havent really written anything on here for myself. My life is surrounded by Luke right now. When I'm with him I'm so happy, being with him during his recovery and just being able to talk and cuddle :) makes some of the bad stuff go away. However, because I am a zero to the army I cant stay down there, I'm stuck in Minnesota pretending to enjoy myself when I actually hate it, other than my family. I just wish I could stay down there like his parents can. But of course they have worked so they can afford to take time off, plus the army pays them to be there.
With the whole situation I've seen such shitty things. Watching my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years almost die twice...right in front of me has really shaken things up. The idea of being that close to losing him really does wonders to feelings and securities. The recovery is going to be long. We have at least 6 more months to go. I just wish he could do all that stuff up in Minnesota. but damn do they have a great program down there. We just keep telling ourselves that someday we'll be together with out interuption. but not any day soon. I worry about him at times. things that i cant write on the other blog..like his depression. it scares me at times, he just gets so sad, and it seems like it happens most when i'm not there. but then again, the same with me, i'm happy with him, but i get back to bemidji and sometimes just cry because i hate it so much. it just seems like no one understand..which they dont, and theydont care. which they might. on the weekends every one just gets so drunk and do stupid little things, then complain about the smallest things during the week. i feel so much older than every one else, but i'm not just my experiences make me feel like just an outsider to those i used to love to hang out with. i miss the carefree life..but then again i've really never had one. starting early my life has been through many little and big bumps that have all changed my life. being carefree just isnt who i am and probably never will be, except for that cruise luke and i always talk about. hehe. anyway, i've really lost my train of thought after watching a little discovery channel here.....

Need to get this out

So its been 3 days since lukes accident. my emotions have been rattled and fried. i dont know what to think. all i could do the first day was cry. it hurts so bad to know he is hurting and i cant do a thing. hes crying and fighting so hard, i just wish i could lay beside him, telling him hes ok and that he is safe. its hard, i saw him on his webcam on sunday, then didnt hear from him. i saw him and he was fine, then smack, my guy is hurt, laying on a bed. leg missing and cuts everywhere. i'm so tired. so tired but never get a good nights sleep. im strong yes, i've had to tell the story and updates probably 100 times over and over again. get hugs, emails, letters, cards and phone calls from people i'm close to, then others i havent talked to in years or ever have met.
i'm so scared. its still luke, but i'm scared. scared of walking into his hospital room. i dont know what to expect. i'm scared he wont want to see me, or wont want me to see him like that. people see me as so strong and handling well, and i am, but i havent really expressed my feelings to anyone. i guess people just dont know how to respond to me, or they dont know what i'm going through right now. i dont feel alone. hell i've got a bigger support group than i ever thought possible.
luke lights up everyones life. talk to him for 5minutes and you like him. he has touched so many lives.
i want to thank brandon rosenow for saving my man. rosenow ran through what could easily have been a minefield to get to him. everyone over there who saw what happened i'm sorry. i'm sorry for something that will be forever with you. i'm sorry for missing him, for losing the biggest doof you had there :) but now hes home where he should be. in the usa where he can be taken care of and be with his family.
my heart sinks for the soldiers. i couldnt do it, it was hard just knowing so many. i want to see all of them when they get home. all get hugs!
tomorrow starts a new adventure. my mother calls it a small bump in the road, i would rather think of it as a hill. its going to be a long climb. long climb full of hearache, pain, counseling for all, therapy and being strong. i will not let luke see me cry and i hope my first reaction isnt startling. he needs me to be strong, not cry and help him. i will learn everything i can to help him. learn his therapy, what to do when he has flashbacks, exercise with him, anything i can do. i wish i could stay with him longer than what i can. but school is important. i need to finish so we can start our lives together.
i'm scared. i'm so so scared. this is all out of my hands, all i can do is support. i cant do a damn thing to control anything. ugh. starting tomorrow, crying is over in front of anyone.
luke has bewitched me. i have been taken over by him. he is the most amazing guy. mesmorizing.
tomorrow it all starts. but tonight. i cry.

ooo, the things you do

Saturday has come, and its about half way over. The last two days have been constant thunderstorms with rain and rumblin. the weather got really awesome last night, lightening, really crackin thunder, and lots and lots of rain. even hail made an appearance. i was drivin home and the roads were so full of water i had to drive fast so i wouldnt get stuck.nice. i was driving around today with mario, went to walmart and the lights went out. pretty funny in walmart with no lights, but all the tvs still work. as we were in walmart he had a fire call. pretty sweet, we ran out of walmart then drove like 50-70 through town so he could make it to the station. the fire was a huge cabin on an island, there was no road out to the island, so a neighbor offered a pontoon. i'm wondering right now..how are they going to get water out to the place? hmm. anyway, since i havent written in a while, and this is suppose to be a diary type thing, maybe i should fill not only my future self in, but anyone who may read this.
my hun is still over seas, doing alright, has witnessed some pretty scary stuff and a soldier in his brigade was killed from and IED. that really bothered luke, so he was cranky and pissed off and pretty much anyone. i'm working on campus this summer, taking care of the flowers on campus. ha yeh, my job is to water and weed the flower gardens. and thats it, and it definately doesnt take 8 hours to do that. they gave us a mule..a utility vehicle that is. pretty awesome really, espeicially when there are major bumps and hills on campus. i just found out that a cousin of mine has cancer. really scary, she is only 2 years older than me! it runs in my family so bad. god! i really cant think of much to say. so i'm off.

blockbuster summer

so i went to watch mission impossible 3 tonight with a couple friends. i was super excited about it but some of my friends told me it was a bust....heck no. i was totally entertained through the whole thing. i'm not a critic, if i was i suppose i would have hated it, but i throughouly...like it. it kept me on the edge the whole time and the almost ending, quite good. of course i wont say too much, that would ruin it. but i'm ready for a blockbuster summer for sure. things like pirates of the carribbean 2, superman, x-men 3, and other quality stuff. even 6-6-06..oh yes the day of the devil is coming upon us..ha. we'll see. but the movie looks decent.

tough break

what a sad day for some. an army guy i know, his brother was killed in a car accident. its good to know that he is able to come home, and there was only about 6 hours between the time his wife called the red cross and his phone call home saying he was on his way. that guy has had some really tough times. his wife and infant were in a car accident and he had to come home earlier in his deployment. cant the guy get a break? i've been deep in thought lately of the idea of luke and i not together..no it didnt happen, nor do i think it will. but i'm so scared of who is going to be getting off that plane and who i am going to be in a relationship with. is it going to be my luke? i dont know why im so afraid right now, maybe because of his recent blog and how much it scared me. i'm going to stop now, pretty sad and if i keep typing. who knows.

Pre-summer day

oh beautiful day. i got a little burnt and super tired from a whole day of sitting outside watching friends play in a volleyball tourney at a local bar. i was super jeleous of not being able to play :( For some reason i'm in a weird mood today. i've been talking to a lot more people lately, i think because i'm working that rec, but for some reason, i feel so ...alone. i feel like i'm missing out. but i cant figure out what i'm missing out on. i dont think i really know who i am yet. still trying to find out who i want to be and what i want to become. most people figure that out in highschool, but no i'm still finding myself. i really want to travel abroad, and i need to make that happen, now that i saw greece in a movie I HAVE TO GO THERE! i dont know if its alone that i feel, but just like i dont fit in. i seem so different than most people and i have a heard time meeting new people and starting conversations. living alone this summer i think will help out, but at the same time, make me even more lonely. but i'm really looking forward to the summer and getting rid of the school stress. it also means more time will pass for luke to come home. i know i've said this many many times, but he is super amazing and i couldnt be more lucky and happier with anyone else. i cant wait to walk down the isle towards him with our family and close friends surrounding us. what a perfect day. i forget what i was going to write on here, i get distracted so easy!
goodnight all

Knee Recovery

So yeh, sitting here recovering from my knee surgery and of course..pretty bored. not much you can do with a bum knee. i went to visit lukes parents today, that was really nice being with them. mostly just sat and talked to nancy, but tim and i talked too. came home to an empty house, parents were at a wedding, so i took some pain pills and pretty much passed out. gotta love those pills. the surgery went well, pretty fast, but made some damage. i think my knee is about 3x its size with only 3 little poke holes. its nice to have time to relax and have some pills to knock me out. ive been getting small homework amounts done, i was hoping to get a big start on my project and i did start, but i wouldnt consider it a huge start. home of course is always pretty laid back. kaylin came to visit yesterday and jena today, got a balloon from kaylin and jena brought me a coloring book..hehe. and i used it. my parents really havent gotten me anything but their support. which of course is nice, getting me water and ice and things like that. i thought i would get some more calls, but luke did call at about 4 this morning, that was nice of him, we both were pretty tired so we really didnt talk too much, said the basic i love yous ,and him telling me he got horny.hehe. my sister did call..but of course she was complaining about herself hurting, cant let anyone else have the light on them. oh well, that is how she will always be. time for me to clunk out again so i can get up for church and put lukes picture up on the bulliton board. good night all....especially derrick who actually reads all my complaints...luv ya!