Need to get this out

So its been 3 days since lukes accident. my emotions have been rattled and fried. i dont know what to think. all i could do the first day was cry. it hurts so bad to know he is hurting and i cant do a thing. hes crying and fighting so hard, i just wish i could lay beside him, telling him hes ok and that he is safe. its hard, i saw him on his webcam on sunday, then didnt hear from him. i saw him and he was fine, then smack, my guy is hurt, laying on a bed. leg missing and cuts everywhere. i'm so tired. so tired but never get a good nights sleep. im strong yes, i've had to tell the story and updates probably 100 times over and over again. get hugs, emails, letters, cards and phone calls from people i'm close to, then others i havent talked to in years or ever have met.
i'm so scared. its still luke, but i'm scared. scared of walking into his hospital room. i dont know what to expect. i'm scared he wont want to see me, or wont want me to see him like that. people see me as so strong and handling well, and i am, but i havent really expressed my feelings to anyone. i guess people just dont know how to respond to me, or they dont know what i'm going through right now. i dont feel alone. hell i've got a bigger support group than i ever thought possible.
luke lights up everyones life. talk to him for 5minutes and you like him. he has touched so many lives.
i want to thank brandon rosenow for saving my man. rosenow ran through what could easily have been a minefield to get to him. everyone over there who saw what happened i'm sorry. i'm sorry for something that will be forever with you. i'm sorry for missing him, for losing the biggest doof you had there :) but now hes home where he should be. in the usa where he can be taken care of and be with his family.
my heart sinks for the soldiers. i couldnt do it, it was hard just knowing so many. i want to see all of them when they get home. all get hugs!
tomorrow starts a new adventure. my mother calls it a small bump in the road, i would rather think of it as a hill. its going to be a long climb. long climb full of hearache, pain, counseling for all, therapy and being strong. i will not let luke see me cry and i hope my first reaction isnt startling. he needs me to be strong, not cry and help him. i will learn everything i can to help him. learn his therapy, what to do when he has flashbacks, exercise with him, anything i can do. i wish i could stay with him longer than what i can. but school is important. i need to finish so we can start our lives together.
i'm scared. i'm so so scared. this is all out of my hands, all i can do is support. i cant do a damn thing to control anything. ugh. starting tomorrow, crying is over in front of anyone.
luke has bewitched me. i have been taken over by him. he is the most amazing guy. mesmorizing.
tomorrow it all starts. but tonight. i cry.